I'm Still Here

I stayed up too late last night, just writing and editing. And while I’m sure I’ll be regretting it soon, it felt really good. It’s been a quiet month for me, the creative voice that usually drives me has gone quiet, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. It’s been a difficult month, no great disasters, just one small thing after another that demanded my attention, all of it, in the most relentless of ways. Parenting sick children while I myself, was sick. Billing issues that are *still* cropping up from my pregnancy complications. Too many sleepless nights to count.

Then today I finally got a chance to rest without the burden of worry or knowing that I would have to put the proverbial pen down at any moment, and it all came flowing back. It reminded me that creativity doesn’t happen in a vacuum. That sometimes, I need to rest, not quit. That it’s ok, but if I don’t carve out what I need for myself, I can’t really be me for others either. So, I’m back.

One of the reasons I’ve stuck with the blog (because blogging is a stupid difficult way to actually make any money) is because I needed a place to be in the simplest sense. A place to show up every week and create something or share my thoughts. When I was pregnant with my first, I was hospitalized for preterm labor then spent the next couple of months on bed rest, and everything just suddenly stopped. I felt like I almost ceased to exist. It was an incredibly isolating experience, and I knew when I faced the same circumstances last year that I needed something I could put my energy into where I could find myself and be found every week. It was still a scary, lonely place to be, but I felt that sense of connection and a sense of purpose, and it made all the difference. I guess all I’m trying to say is that for that reason, I’m going to keep showing up. Because I need it, and I hope to continue bringing something of value to the table so that you keep showing up too.