Quarantine Diaries: Two, Sweet and Intense

Lately, conversations with my four-year-old have been starting something like this, “Mama, when the germs are all gone..” which is usually followed up with a request to do something that we once took for granted. Can we have a play date? Can we eat at that restaurant that I like? Can we play at the playground? Simple requests, the stuff of daily life. Which is what makes it so bittersweet. “When will the bad germs go away? Tomorrow can we go?” And “Do you remember? That cafe we used to go to after school? Do they remember me?”

As an adult, I constantly have to pivot. To adjust my expectations and to attempt to focus on the positive. It’s a concerted effort. But my kids. They are so much more fluid than I am. Sometimes I think they’ve adapted in a way I cannot. They’ve integrated into our new way of life, almost unquestioningly. Then the questions start, and my heart breaks just a little. She trusts me and my intentions, and she knows I’m keeping her safe. She also really misses her friends. So do I.

There are things that I know she likes about our new way of life. Things that I appreciate too. Her dad is now home a lot more. He’s gone from a long commute to no commute and comes upstairs to have lunch with them most days. We bake, and we belt out lyrics from the new Frozen soundtrack together. We have dance parties in the kitchen, and we build forts and snuggle and read.

It’s like the early days again, sweet and intense. I’m simultaneously overwhelmed by my love for these little humans and entirely overwhelmed by the constant noise and mess and stream of why’s. Feeling obliterated in every sense. Happily embracing the small moments but desperately trying to find the time and space and mental energy to have a complete thought. To have a conversation with my spouse. To process at the strange and scary things that are taking place beyond these four walls. To navigate and to normalize our new way of being, of engaging with the world: masks on, six feet away.

I’m not sure if we’ll come out of this better or worse for it. I honestly think it will be a mixture of both. I’ll never regret the sweet moments I’m getting to spend with my kids. How much more I’m getting to know them, but when the germs are gone, I’m looking forward to expanding our circle again. I hope the local spot is still there to eat at, that they weather the storm. I, too, wonder if my local barista will remember me. I think that it won’t be quite that straightforward. I think it’s going to take a lot for us all to get back to where we once were, but I think that’s ok too. I’m just grateful we’ll be doing it together.